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| "All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory..."
Weightless.
That's how I feel.
Remember that mental weight of a concrete shroud around my thoughts and heart? It's gone.
I'm at peace...
I've prayed for peace for so long. You've prayed for peace to become real and tangible, just as everyone who has ever lived has longed for that very state.
How did this happen? What changed? What could possibly rewire a person's very physical brain and neutralize the effects of imbalanced neurotransmitters?
Quite simple (or not so simple, really...):
Meet the Creator of the universe and Author of life, face-to-face.
That's what happened for me this past week at College UM ARMY. UM ARMY is a week-long student-led mission trip that focuses on home repair and living of worship. It truly deserves its own post (which should be written in the next week or so).
I've been looking forward to College UM ARMY for quite some time. Each day begins with morning worship, is filled with hard work, sweat, sunburn, sawdust, rotten wood, hammering, mosquitoes, blood, fellowship and prayer, and ends with evening worship. I've never experienced anything as perfectly good as 150 college students paying to spend a week in such a way.
Somewhere throughout the week, be it in losing 10 pounds by sweating, be it in intense prayer walks, be it in the deep laugh of an impoverished and content client, or be it in the sweaty faces of a young generation living to serve their fellow man, one sees the face of God.
And that's what happened for me. I've been candid with you from the beginning; I've kept no secrets concerning the hurting of my soul and the pain of having the most-loved-one pack her things and drive away. I've spun and I've prayed and I've begged God to take from me the things that were so intrinsic that I didn't know how to live another way. That inherent pain stained and stifled my every joy...
...but where did I truly seek the face of God. When did I step out and strain to see His face?
Honesty abounds- I'm equally skilled at speaking to God, but where have I truly met with him?
We meet with God when we serve Him. He promised that we would meet at him when we served the meek. We meet with God when we step outside of our church walls and bloody our hands in work for those who can't work, when we pack a lunch for and eat and pray with the friendless, when we learn to do what we never could for the sole purpose of seeing God's children loved.
I'm at peace because I've been in that service. I'm at peace because I've been in the presence of God. My soul is shining white from being given a glimpse of his glory.
And from that glorious collision of my self-restriction and His freeing love, my chains are gone- I've been set free.
Do you pray for peace? Are you spinning with no hope of stopping?
Stop what you're doing, pull out your wallet and stick $10 in your pocket, and on your way home from work or next run to the store, buy a homeless man a jug of milk; Stop and change someone's flat tire; Find someone without a smile and give them a smile- pray with them all.
And when you do, with your heart beating a little faster than normal, drop to your knees as soon as you can and thank God for his love. Thank God for his mercy. Open your Bible and read Lamentations. Open up the Gospels and read of Christ washing his disciples' feet. Make up a new song and sing a prayer out loud to your Savior.
Live of these things, and peace will find you. It will creep upon you and slowly untie the strings of burden that have bound you to this fallen world's chaos.
Live of that love- seek the face of God, and peace will become more real and tangible than you could ever imagine.
Heavenly Father, I've cried to you for peace, but I've never sought your face. I've claimed your name, but I've never shared your name. I'm at peace, now, because you've met me in the midst of service and love for my neighbor. Above all things, help me to seek your face, care for your children, worship your name, walk in righteousness, and live of your love. Thank you, dear Lord, for the great things you have done in this world and my life every yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Amen.
"...I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me."
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"To be alone with me..."
There's a certain phenomenon taking place in Center, TX.
Heads turn. Eyes linger. Jaws drop. Men stutter and stop mid-sentence. Sunglasses are adjusted as glare from the sun gives way to shining perfection. Is this the second coming of Christ? No.
Clint Porterfield's truck just drove by.
That description may seem outlandish and hyperbolic to some, but the population of our small East Texas town knows the truth. In fact, my mom had a sad realization one day when she realized that, for all those years, men hadn't been staring at her as she drove around town. They were staring at my dad's truck!
Automotive cleanliness is the first obsession I remember my dad having. I know not to eat in the car, not to roll the windows down the day of a wash, and to close the doors by the handles. My dad spends hours and hours patiently cleaning his vehicles. Sometimes, obsession seems to be an understatement. Through the years, other obsessions have ranged from HotWheel's collecting to customizing his Honda Goldwing, but now it's fishing. Granted, I think the love of fishing is inherent in Porterfield DNA. It just took my dad a little longer to figure that one out.
So, for the past three years, I've been fishing with my dad quite a bit. We've been caught in the rain. We've had days where we hauled in lunkers. There have been times when we hooked our clothes and cursed under our breath (or not-so under our breath) as line back-lashed or the big one got away. There have been fun, cloudy days when the fish are biting and heat-blistering sunny days with no breeze and no fish.
No matter what the day is like, my dad will stay on the water for hours. In fact, he usually only turns in when my brother or I say we'd like to. Now, my dad would say that he's an impatient man. He'd say that I'm impatient like him, as he is like his father before, and etc. But, no matter how aggravated he may get when I'm constantly hanging-up or his line and reel aren't cooperating, he always stays on the water. He always fishes as long as I want to. He never leaves the boat if I'm in it.
I was thinking about this yesterday as we fished. He laughed because I couldn't catch anything. We were using the same bait and fishing the same holes, but he was reeling in fish on every cast and I was reeling in grass. We even switched rods, but the fish still went for him!
My dad reminded me of Jesus.
I thought about Jesus returning to his disciples after the Crucifixion and Resurrection. In John 21, the disciples are fishing again. Jesus is gone, and they don't know what else to do. So, they are fishing close to shore and their nets keep coming up empty. Suddenly, this guy on shore starts yelling at them, asking if they've caught any fish. They say, "No", and the man tells them to try the other side of the boat. I'm sure the disciples scoffed, as if they hadn't tried that already, but what did they have to lose? When they do, they can't even bring in the net because of the size and weight of the fish they were dragging! I imagine Jesus laughing at the sight of his friends, who were probably like kids in a candy store with the large number of fish. The beloved disciple recognizes the man on shore as Jesus, and Peter doesn't wait. He dives into the sea and swims to Jesus. I can't help but think that Jesus wasn't thinking about Peter's three denials, but of Peter walking on water to him on a rough sea. I think, as Peter swam ashore, Jesus was reminded of the storm he calmed in order to calm the hearts of his friends.
Jesus spent quite a bit of time in a boat with his closest children.
When I'm down, when I'm stressed out, when I'm depressed, my dad takes me fishing. When I was chained to my bed by the greatest loss, my dad unlocked my door and told me he was taking me fishing. He put a rod in my hand and put me on the water, and we sat in silence for hours. My dad was patient with me as I spoke no words. He was patient with me as I cried. He was patient with me later when all I could do was replay and analyze my worst memories. I can never repay my dad for the patience he has had with me and for the love he has of enjoying God's creation, with me, in our little boat.
My dad's patience has taught me a lesson about our Heavenly Father's love and grace. He's taught me that there's nothing we can do, no place we can come from, and no way we can feel to keep God from wanting to be with us. He's taught me to hold fast, to stay in the boat with Christ even when I felt like jumping to the depths. He's shown me the faithful love of Jesus, the greatest fisher of men, as I choose to sit with him on the water.
No matter what my dad might say, he's not impatient. He loves me, and I hope to love like him.
"... you went up on a tree."
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I have something I need to get off my chest, and it won't be easy. As much as I like to tell stories about snowboarding trips and exercise and guitar playing, I must confirm what many of you may already suspect.
I'm a nerd.
It's no secret. As much as I try to hide it by purposely going years without reading Harry Potter, watching LOST, or buying an iPhone, I always give in and become "that guy". That's right, I've become the guy who wishes he could tweet from his iPhone about the LOST episode he's watching in his tower dorm room at Hogwarts.
It's truly a miracle that I'm still single.
But nerdiness often leads one's mind to very cool places. In this case, it leads to the far reaches of our universe.
I know what you're thinking. "Far reaches of the universe! That's dumb! Earth is where all the cool kids' thoughts stay." Just hear me out.
Do you ever wonder where you fit into this world? I do. I was thinking about my place in God's creation and I looked at the setting sun. I had this weird moment where I felt 500 billion times smaller than I really am, and I felt scared and alone. I looked at this huge, burning ball of gas that provides light and warmth for life-as-we-know-it on Earth and remembered how it's just one of 500,000,000,000 (500 billion) other stars in our Milky Way Galaxy. I then felt 200 billion times smaller than that when I remembered that our Milky Way Galaxy is one of just 170,000,000,000 (170 billion) other galaxies in the observable universe (who knows about what lays beyond our field of vision, much less in the theoretical multiverse). Feeling 1.0 x 10^22 times more insignificant than normal evens out to feeling just about worthless.
(WARNING: Science Content)
To put this in perspective, let's say 100 people will read this blog. Let's assume there are 100,000 hairs on the head of each reader. That means the total amount of hairs involved with readers of this blog equals 10,000,000. To have the same number of hairs as the number of stars in our galaxy alone, 50,000 sets of 100 different people would have to read this post!
In this moment of self-imposed worthlessness, I remembered a verse highlighted in one of my favorite blog posts.
Isaiah 30:18 says,
"The LORD waits to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show mercy to you."
Like the sun rises in the morning to give us warmth and light, God rises up to show us grace and mercy. It's who and what he is. Unlike the sun, indiscriminately spilling rays on everything between me and Pluto, God directs his faithful love to me and you. He waits to do so; he longs to do so! Beyond even that beautiful truth, God looked past the squared hundreds of billions of stars and planets and loved us enough to live with us, to suffer and die with us, and to defeat our sin and rise from death to prove that in the end there would be nothing to hold back his grace and mercy and love for us!
In that moment, I went from feeling like the smallest particle of nothingness to rejoicing as a super-massive recipient of the creator of the universe's affection.
And that affection is strong enough for everyone of every time.
Romans 10: 10-12 says,
"if you confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For one who believes in his heart and so is justified, and one who confesses with the mouth and so is saved. The scripture says, 'No one who believes in him will be put to shame.' ... For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."
It is my hope that, through these posts about hockey, snow-blinding fog, hope, and nerdiness, you will be able to see how the living God is tangibly working in me and our world. It is my hope that you would believe and be saved from sin, this world, and depression as I have been saved. It is my hope that you will come to know and experience the love of God, who longs to show you grace and rises to show you compassion. You have a place in this world. You aren't worthless. You are loved. (As always, if you have questions, comments, or prayer requests, feel free to leave them here or to message me on Twitter or Facebook.) | | |
| Today's guest post brought to you by Jonathan Acuff, of Stuff Christians Like! Along with 129 other bloggers, I am participating in one large, spanning-the-internets blog post!
To add up your score with over 130 other ideas on this scorecard, visit stuffchristianslike.net.
The “Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian? Scorecard”: 45. On Fox.com their profile lists “snake handling” as a hobby = + 20 points
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"And all these bad dreams...
I'd like to say that I'm a strong person. I'd like to say that, in these constant overcomings of each morning's fog and memories, I have been forged of steel. I'd like to say a lot of things about myself that I can't honestly say.
Since I can't, I'll let someone else speak. I'll let the word of God speak for me.
"God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity that he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, gloriously completing what he had begun.
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose. If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?" -Romans 8: 28-32, The Message.
I am a child of God.
It's easy for me to forget that sometimes, but it's true. I just don't think depression fits in well with the whole set "on a solid basis with [God]" part. So, I've decided to make a list of things that are in my control to do that will help me to look more like a child of God, and, in turn, wrestle my melancholy tendencies to the ground.
As anyone who battles depression knows, depression makes it hard to get up and do anything. The hardest part of the coming list isn't the activities themselves, but the act of actually deciding to perform them. With that said...
Each day, I will do these things in order to fight depression and enjoy the life God has given to me, his child:
(in no particular order...)
- Pray. I will talk with my Father and take time to listen to him. I will address everything I do with him before I act.
- Study. I will read my Father's words in order to understand him more and be as mirrored to him as possible.
- Commune. I will talk to friends and family. Even if I have nothing important to say, I'll at least let them know I love them.
- Play! I will go outside, run around, fish, bike, picnic, and/or frolic until I break a sweat in the glorious creation my Father has provided. If it's raining, I'll work out, organize, and/or read to keep my mind and body busy.
- Create. I will play my guitar and sing, sing, sing! Art is a gift, and I will use the gifts God has given me to contemplate the day, engage my own feelings, engage others, and to worship my Father.
- Sleep. I will be kind and give myself the rest I deserve. I will not fear my dreams, but pray for my Father to use sleep as another avenue to minister to my body and mind.
- Eat responsibly. I will no longer eat until I'm ready to burst. I will make better decisions in how I refuel and keep the machine of my body running efficiently. I don't put cheap and impure fuel in my truck- why should I do the same with me?
These may seem like simple goals, but they are hard to work toward when my mind says, "Stay in bed. Dwell on the past."
If your mind overwhelmingly tells you to do the same, I recommend making a list similar to the one you just read. Let's fight depression together and reflect our Father's will for our day-to-day lives. I've been trying to follow the items on this list seriously since the beginning of Lent, and I really do feel tangible progress toward my spiritual, mental, and physical health.
We've got this under control, because our Father has this under control. Let's do what we can to let him work in our lives.
Our Father is in control.
God is in control.
...I wake up to the Light."
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